I guess this is another update as I went awol again. As much as I love to write these posts and get it all out there, it can be challenging to find the right words that explain and describe what has gone on in my life or what goes on in my mind. After finding the right words, it’s then hard to put them together in a way that makes sense. So when my life gets a bit too much, I struggle to write. I will sit in front of my laptop and get so frustrated with myself over it, because yeah, writing and talking about the deep stuff does come naturally to me. But sometimes I can’t even explain the chaos, confusion and mind fuckery that goes on up in there. So when it all gets a bit too much, I know I need to take a step back, re-connect with myself and find some balance.
I’ve near enough always been hard on myself. I think it comes from my dads death, I blamed myself a lot for it and for years after I was never able to forgive myself for not doing more. When I started my blog I kept it secret from friends and family for several months, then eventually I made it public and the amount of support I received for it still amazes me to this day. I found that once I made my blog public, I began to put pressure on myself to do more. I felt like I needed to keep writing and that each post had to be as perfect as I could make it. As a lot of my posts are deep and very personal, it can be mentally draining to write them. I’ve written posts that have taken me 5 hours to write just because I’ve struggled to piece together all the words. The pressure I was putting on myself to do more and to be better was actually making me take steps back rather that forward. I was being hard on myself, forcing myself to write, setting the bar way too high and kicking myself when I couldn’t reach it. This is when the anxiety came to taunt me. I had this voice of self-doubt, criticism and negativity in my head telling me that my writing wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t as good as what I should be or that I was making a poor effort. It all got too much so I just stopped.
I’m going through a weird transformation at the moment. It feels so fucking good, but like I said, it’s weird. I’ve never felt this before, this freedom, this connection and this authentic. I feel me and that’s weird. For the first time in my life I am making boundaries and standing my ground when people cross them. For the first time in over 15 years I’m smiling and it’s genuine, the happiness I feel is genuine and that’s weird. I’m not afraid to dress how I want to dress, I’m not afraid to say no or even yes. I’m not afraid to just be me and be me in front of other people.
My therapist gave me some homework to sit down on Sunday and write. She told me not to think about how good or bad it will be, just start and let it flow. So this is what came to me. This is what was going through my head on Sunday 14th November.
I’m not going to make any promises that I’ll be back writing again because I know deep down it’s a promise that I can’t keep. However I can promise you that I will always be happy to listen to whatever it is that is going on in your life or up in your head. I am and always will be here.
I hope you’re all doing well.
Sending my love,