I’m currently living a life that I didn’t think I deserved or even think I could possibly live but here I fucking am, my mental health has been incredibly important to me for the past couple of years now, managing and maintaining it has helped me to reach this point.
I needed to do three things in order to get here, I needed to believe, forgive and accept. I needed to believe the facts of my past and the facts were there was nothing I could’ve done differently, nothing I could’ve changed and there was no one to blame for anything that had happened, my life just happened to turn out that way. My PTSD had me reliving the past but in the present moment so as I went through my life, I created all of these new questions, theories and thoughts from my present self, rather than thinking about the person I was during those traumas (this is called Hindsight Bias), so when my therapist and I were working on my traumas, we wrote down all the facts of the situations for me to visibly see, which was then hard to believe because as soon as I saw all the facts, I realised how much and how long I had been torturing myself for.
Then came forgiveness which was (and still can be) the hardest thing to do, I needed to forgive myself as well as others. I did hold resentment against people, I kept hold of grudges and I would still feel anger, hurt or sadness if I got reminders or thought about my past so forgiving those who had caused me some sort of negative or painful emotion was difficult because I believed they caused me pain, which they did, but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay for me to keep hold of that pain because whose life was that impacting more? Definitely mine, but therapy helped me see things from all perspectives, including those that had hurt me and the thing is they either didn’t mean to cause me pain or they had so much pain in themselves that it just got thrown onto me but nothing was my fault and once I realised that, I forgave them within minutes but forgiving myself was a challenge. When I realised what my brain had been doing to myself throughout my teenage years and early twenties, the years I thought I should’ve been the happiest and most care free years of my life, I hated myself. I beat myself up about it so much because at first I thought I wasted the best years of my life being depressed, troubled, self-destructive, angry and in so much pain but none of it was wasted. It has all taught me something and I gained so many life experiences that many people especially within my generation have not had which has all helped me to help you.
After all that, accepting what had happened was easy. Shit happens but life still goes on and you can either go on with it or remain semi-paused in your past.
During therapy there were some issues that I had that I wasn’t as open about and it has become apparent to now, so I know at some point in the future I will be returning to therapy to work through my remaining issues but it’s important to know that there is no time limit on when to get help, fuck it took me around 15 years to finally admit that I needed professional help but it is also important to remember that there is help out there, whether it is professional help, friendly help, loving help or even just help from a four legged friend. Help is, always had and always will be around you and please don’t forget that.
I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has even just glanced through my posts during Mental Health May, it honestly means the world to me. My blog is incredibly personal to me and for me to be able to share my past with you and for you to show me your support, fuck, it really does mean everything to me (I’m not crying I promise).
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From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.
Sending so much fucking love to you all,