Also known as the silent killer, depression can be hard to spot, especially if the person doesn’t want their depression to be noticed. It’s easy to hide and hard to get rid of but not impossible.

My depression started after my dads death and I declared myself depression free around April 2018. I think having depression at a developing age and through to my early twenties truly convinced me that I was a lost cause, broken beyond repair and then the depressed years of my life began to outweigh the happy years of my life. I had depression from when I was 12-22 years old and throughout those years it fluctuated. My first 3-4 years of depression were the worst, during these years I was self-harming, I attempted suicide and I drank so much alcohol just so I could release the pain and emotion I felt. From the ages of 17-20 it was more confusion. I knew I wasn’t done grieving but I had gotten a lot better at hiding the fact that I was severely depressed. This resulted in the depression building up and I’d spend most nights stuck in a depressive rut in my bedroom and then every month or so I would have mini mental breakdowns to my friends, then I would convince them I was all fine and carry on as normal. For the following 18 months my depression was very heavy and I was getting tired of hiding it, life stresses wore me down and I didn’t want to carry on like that any longer. My depression got worse as I was going through therapy and as I quit my job, I spent a wide portion of my day sleeping. Throughout those 10 years my depression was always a constant, but its intensity would differ. For example, my depression during the years of my last relationship (roughly 18-20 years old) was worse than some of my depressed years when I was 14-16 years old.

As per most mental illnesses, depression has an effect on our physical sensations, behaviours and our thoughts. I’ve written below the different symptoms of depression and I’ve scored them from 1-10. The scores are based on my experiences with depression. 1 is for something that I didn’t experience, 5 means that I experienced it every so often and a 10 meaning this was a constant (this is a overall marking of my depression throughout the 10 years).

Physical sensations.
– Headaches – 6
– Lethargic – 10
– Muscle aches/pains – 8
– Lack of sleep/sleeping too much – 10
– Tired – 10
– Digestive changes – 7
– Agitation – 10
– Lack of interest – 8
– Low sex drive – 9
– Slow movement – 6
– Exhausted – 8
– Change in appetite – 8
– Difficulty concentrating/remembering – 10
– Fatigue – 10
– Sick/ill – 8
– Run down – 8
– Significant weight gain/loss – 7
– Churning gut – 7
– Decreased pain tolerance – 5
– Eye problems or decreased vision – 7
– Stomach pain – 8
– Reduced activity – 7
– Restlessness – 10
– Slow thinking – 9

Behaviours.
– Staying in bed – 9
– Rejecting invitations to socialise – 10
– Struggle to be in their own company – 9 (this might surprise some. My depression wanted me to be in my own company but the thoughts that would go through my head and the pains I would feel made it really hard for me to be on my own. I then went through a phase of not being able to be on my own because I felt so lonely.)
– Staring off in the distance – 10
– Sleeping more during the day – 10
– Pacing – 5
– No interest in socialising/activities – 8
– Overly happy – 8
– Withdrawing from friends/family – 8
– Isolating – 5
– Poor hygiene – 6
– Messy living space – 8
– Crying – 10
– Self-harming – 8
– Looking at death – 3
– Avoid talking about or excessively joking about depression – 10
– Not leaving the house – 8
– Not completing school work – 5
– Relying on alcohol/drugs – 10
– Misplaced anger – 8
– Uncontrollable outbursts – 7

Thoughts.
– I’m a failure – 10
– Life is not worth living – 8
– What is the point – 10
– Why am I here – 10
– I’m worthless – 9
– There is no hope – 10
– I have no future – 10
– Nothing good ever happens to me – 10
– People would be better off without me – 8
– No one will even miss me – 6
– Nothing will change – 9
– It’s all my fault – 10
– Nothing will ever go right – 10
– I have no reason to be here – 8
– I’m on my own – 9
– No one cares – 10
– I’m to blame – 8
– I should’ve done something – 10
– I’ll never be good enough – 9
– I’m weak – 8
– What is wrong with me? – 10
– I should be able to do more – 7
– I’m a burden – 9
– There is no such thing as happiness – 10

Depression has a big impact on how we feel about ourselves, our lives, others and the world around us. A lot of the feelings that are associated with depression are;
– Guilt – 10
– Indecisive – 10
– Sadness – 10
– Overwhelmed – 10
– Unhappy – 10
– Lack of confidence – 10
– Disappointed – 9
– Miserable – 9
– Irritable – 10
– Empty – 9
– Worthless – 9
– Hopeless -9
– Gloomy – 8
– Despairing – 8
– Powerless – 10
– Dismayed – 8
– Anger – 8

Those with depression will all share some or most of the symptoms but depression affects us all differently. My depression was;
– Feeling physical pain when leaving my bed
– Mental exhaustion
– Searching for new ways to ‘pick myself up’ (it would usually be quick fixes like drugs, spending money etc)
– Drinking an incredible amount of alcohol and then ending the night with a mental breakdown (massive thank you to the people who helped me get through those breakdowns)
– Drinking to suppress my depression
– Relying on alcohol/drugs
– Drinking to release my emotions/thoughts
– Having a negative mindset
– Hating everything about myself
– Very low sex drive
– Seeing the world is black and white (figuratively speaking)
– Not seeing my friends unless it involved alcohol
– Being unable to talk
– Getting confused by my emotions/moods
– Being jealous of peoples happiness
– Always hearing voices
– Being scared of being on my own
– Struggling in/with silence
– Feeling emotional and physical pain
– Attempting suicide
– Self-harming
– Heavily insecure

– Sleeping in my work clothes so I had extra time to sleep
– Having 1-5 hour naps a day (during college I used to nap on my dinner break, nap again when I finished classes, eat and then go to sleep for the night).
– Getting overwhelmed by different emotions during random moments of the day
– Crying, excessively but not in front of other people
– Showering less
– Purposely listening to sad songs
– Keeping my room untidy
– Feeling like I needed to prove something
– Working through the day (I figured, if I carried on with a normal life as normal as I could, no one suspect anything)
– Feeling heavy
– Physically feeling the black cloud come over me
– Putting on a fake smile

My depression was the hardest for me to accept. It was hard to believe that me, this girl who had put on a fake smile for so many years was actually faking it. You get so used to pretending that you are happy and fine that sometimes you forget that you’re actually not and when those moments happen they hit you real fucking hard.

I learnt a lot about my life from my depression. I figured out how I want to live my life and who I want in my life. I learnt how to take care of myself, feel gratitude and free. I’m thankful for my depression. If it wasn’t for it, I might not have the mindset that I do now.

My email is catseyeemma@gmail.com . I’m always here for a chat if needed.

Thank you for reading,

Sending my love,

Emma xo