This Time Last Year

This time last year I had finally completed my CBT and counselling. It was a great day, hugely proud of myself and the following 12 months have been one hell of a journey.

For a few months after I had finished my therapy I was still having some issues with anixety. My depression and PTSD were gone and my next big step in life was going to Australia. Even when I got to Australia I still had troubles with anxiety. Sometimes it was worse there then what it was back home. But I think what has changed the most is my mindset. I think when you suffer from any mental illness it changes your perception on yourself and your own life. Before I admitted that I needed professional help I viewed my life so negatively. To me I had been dealt a poor hand and my life was shit. There was no hope and I was just going to stay in the same repetitive circle of depression, PTSD and anxiety. I saw no possibility of me ever being truly happy because deep down I had been miserable for almost half of my life. If I couldn’t see a way of being happy then there was no way. To me happiness was fake. No one could be truly happy. It wasn’t possible!

Back then I was riddled with insecurities and negative views about everything, so when I had my mental breakdown it was the start of a new adventure. I did 11 weeks of online counselling and then started my CBT which included counselling and this lasted for around 7/8 months. I try to explain to others how tough it was but my explanations never seem to really express how fucking tough it was. I never gave up though. I always make excuses and avoid situations that make me uncomfortable but I went to every session despite knowing what the sessions would be about and what they would require me to do, I still went. I was determined to finish this and see who I was. When I first started the therapy I didn’t think it would change me that much but as the sessions went on it was becoming more obvious to me that I was changing. Everything that I knew was changing. I found out a lot about myself and how my brain works but then fear began to come into it. I was changing! I was becoming someone who I have never known, and who my friends/family might not know. Everything that I was used to and almost everything that I knew about myself was changing and it was scary. I remember one evening I was telling L about how worried I was for when I finish counselling. I was scared. It was becoming clear to me that I was not going to be the same person. This person that I had known for most of my life was finally going and this new, happier person was arriving. It was pretty worrying. It took me a few weeks to process it but eventually I turned my mindset around and saw it as a positive and doing this led me to see that the life I have lived has not been a bad one. It’s been unfortunate at times but it hasn’t been a bad one.

I have been on many adventures in my life. Had many friends who have come and gone and shit loads of stories to tell. In 23 years I have been to over 20 different countries, over 50 different family events, I’ve gone through a fair amount of shit and been down some dark paths but it has all led me to who I am today and that is the reason I would not change anything about my life. Everything that I have been through, whether it be good or bad has made me who I am at this very moment and I am very grateful for it all.

To anyone who is stuck in a black hole, you can get out and you can be positive and you can love yourself and your life. It is possible! All my faith is in you.

Thank you for reading,

Sending love and light to you all,

Emma xo

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