Well I’ve had a roller coaster week or so! The weekend of the 22nd i managed to have a Skype video call with my best friend L back home and it made my weekend. It was so good to see him and speak to him at the same time. We spoke as though we were sat in the same room and talked like nothing has changed. It was the first time we’ve actually seen/spoken to each other since I left so my mood afterwards was on a high because I miss him so much. He’s my best friend. Someone who has always been there, never judged and has always put up with my bizarre self. That weekend my brother was in Bali and my mum was going for a over night stay as well so L looked after Barney and stopped over at our house. We Skyped again the next day and I got to see Barney! I tried my hardest not to cry but it was so good to see Barney and my best friend at the same time. I had the peace of mind that Barney was in safe hands and I knew L would have loved being in his company. I was working that weekend and due to the time difference we had to plan our chats so it was evening time here and morning back home. So after the weekend I was fairly sleep deprived but it was so worth it!
Last week was a difficult week for me. My anxiety was causing some issues for me and I was feeling very overwhelmed by everything last week. On Thursday I had a little cry in work. I wasn’t crying because I was sad about anything. I just needed to cry and I felt somewhat better after the cry but still not great. Later on in the afternoon I got wiped out by one of the yearlings which wasn’t great. I’m not entirely sure what happened. One moment I was stood up, the next this yearling reared, lost its balance and we both ended up in a pile together on the floor. I came out of it alright though. Couple of bruises and a sore arse but it could’ve been a lot worse. Thursday just wasn’t my day last week. I had dogwatch that evening after work as well which I was actually looking forward to. I was craving some alone time and whenever I have dogwatch me and my mum will have a phone call. After the week and day I had I just wanted to hear her voice and hear how her week had been and hear what she had been up to. It’s hard sometimes. When I was living back home most of the time I found it too difficult to speak about how I was feeling so when times got really low I would sometimes call my mum into my room and ask her for a hug and she’d always give me the biggest hug and the tightest squeeze and that was all I needed sometimes to feel better. It was difficult not having that option to be with my dog or ask my mum for a hug after a tough week/day. It’s making me more independent though. I’m more in tune with myself. It’s a lot easier to notice what makes me happier, what makes me smile and what makes me feeling better about myself.
The following weekend was my weekend off and I was going away to Newcastle again which was just what I needed. I managed to do a lot of shopping and I got my outfit sorted for my day at the races next weekend! I’m off to The Everest race in Sydney and I am so excited! My outfit choice is something that I wouldn’t have ever worn in the past but I’m happy and confident with my choice and looking forward to the weekend! The Saturday evening I had a phone call with my other best friend Z and that was the first time we have actually spoken since I have moved out here and it was so good to hear his voice! We had a massive catch up and spoke about food, travelling, work and more food. After that I had a Skype video call with my mum and I got to see Barney again! We spoke for just over an hour and I got to see my brother M for a brief couple of minutes. He’d just come home from a messy but lovely holiday in Bali so he wasn’t in much of a talkative mood. Last weekend was the mood booster that I needed to keep me going! We even ordered a Chinese take away for tea and oh it was good!
I started back at work on the Monday feeling refreshed and ready to take on the next couple of weeks but then Wednesday arrived and I ended up getting struck in the head by one of the yearlings. The yearling was out in one of the smaller paddocks and needed to be caught for the farrier. I was having difficulty catching him because even though he was in one of the smaller paddocks its still a pretty big paddock! Any way I tried approaching him from the shoulder but he would either spin his arse on me, run away or walk backwards but you could tell it was all a game to him. I had my hand out so he could have a sniff and realise I wasn’t dangerous nor was I playing games and he reared, struck out with his front legs and got me down the right side of my head and my shoulder and then he ran off. I can’t really remember what was said after that. I just know things went a little blurry, then I started seeing black spots and then the shock sank in. So I went to the office, got a ice pack, water bottle and sat down which was when it all hit me. I ended up going to hospital that evening and its safe to say I needed to. I was chatting so much shit and my head had blown up. Trust me to be hit by the only yearling on the whole yard to have 1 front shoe and it got me with the hoof that had the metal shoe on…fuck sake. I didn’t get back from the hospital till about 23:30pm and when I got home I sat in our kitchen eating the cold leftover potatoes from tea. The pain killers I were given helped a lot. They knocked me out shortly after I got into bed.
The next day I had to go back to see the doctor for a check up and I still wasn’t 100%. I was having mini flashbacks of when the yearling reared and hit my head. It was like a PTSD episode but not quite as traumatic to deal with. It was worrying for me because I didn’t want to slip back into that way of life. Whenever the memory popped into my head I could try to process it (like what I learnt in my counselling) but my head was still up in the clouds and I was aware of that which was making me quite frustrated. When people spoke to me I was listening to what they were saying but I couldn’t fully understand what they were saying to me. On the car journey back into town I had a bit of a cry because I was so frustrated! I ended up having a CT scan that afternoon to make sure I didn’t have any bleeding or deeper damage. I got my results the day after and everything was all clear and the flashbacks stopped over the weekend! It’s now Sunday and I’m feeling back to normal again! My head is still tender and I’m not allowed to handle horses for the next 2 weeks but I’m feeling better!
I’ve had a couple of mental and physical challenges over these past couple of weeks but they have proved to me that I am a tough cookie. I have over come worse. I know I will have my up and down moments but I know how to cope with them now. I now have the knowledge to understand, process and accept what is happening in my head and it feels great to have that control after feeling lost for so long.
To those who might be fighting a mental battle would be to take a time out, sit back and try to understand why the battle started and when did it start? Ignoring what your head is telling you will not make it go away nor will it solve the issue. Sometimes you need to face your biggest fears in order to defeat them.
Sending my love to you all,