For the past few evenings I’ve been able to go for about a 45minute run (roughly) after I have finished work and it’s strange to see how a different environment has a positive impact on my anxiety.
I’ve had trouble running in public (you can read about it here). My anxiety gets the better of me so before I moved out to Australia I would go for a run late at night. It would be dark so I didn’t have to worry about my red face and sweat marks standing out and there would be a lot less people around meaning my paranoia wouldn’t always kick in either.
When I finished work on Monday I still had some energy left in me that I just wanted to burn off. I got changed into my running stuff, stuck my earphones in and just went. As I get hot very quickly I only run for so long then I do some walking to keep me cool and then go back to running but I’ll admit sometimes use this as an excuse to run less…🙄 not always though, only when I’ve had to encourage myself to go for a run in the first place but this time I started running and I didn’t want to stop! I felt this new level of freedom which I haven’t felt before and it felt good!! I was running down the dirt track surrounded by cows, horses, fields and mountains. I was running through a place that I used to dream of but it’s now actually real! It’s happening!
I also noticed my level of fucks is now almost none existent. I didn’t care about how I looked whilst running. Usually as soon as I start to feel my body tire (I don’t have the best stamina in the world) I start walking because my anxiety would convince me that I looked stupid running when I was clearly struggling. I used to see runners out during the day, sweating, red faced and they were clearly fighting to stay running and I was jealous of them. I wished it could have been that easy for me to do but it never was but it’s crazy how this change of environment has completely changed my running experience and it’s had a massive impact on my personality.
Since I’ve been here I’ve worn make up twice. I’ve been out in public with no make up on without a care in the world. I’ve been working with no make up on and haven’t given any fucks. I’m honestly amazed at this. I was trying to reduce how much make up I wore when I was back in the UK but I’m not gonna lie it was a struggle. I’ve never been one to wear heavy make up but I struggled to leave the house with no foundation on. Or if I wanted to be bare skinned I would have to wear a set of fake eyelashes just to make myself feel a little less vulnerable. If you’re like me, you don’t really post pictures or take pictures of yourself when you’re feeling most vulnerable. Why would you want to do that?! But the day I left (exactly 2 weeks ago today) I wore no make up to the airport and happily had my picture taken with my brother and with A, who I was flying with to Australia without a care in the world. I knew it was my time to close my door on everything in my past and it was my time to show my true colours. I didn’t have to fake anything anymore. I could just be me.
I haven’t been in Australia for long but I can safely say it has been the best decision I have ever made. I have no regrets and I don’t think I ever will do. I’m enjoying just being me and I can finally say I am free and I am me.
Sending my love to you all,