Anxiety Strikes Again!

I’m very close with my Auntie D. She’s my mums sister but has sometimes felt like a sister to me. She lives just over a 5 hour drive away so I don’t get to see her very often. We used to go on holiday every year, normally for New Years. There would be my mum, dad, brother, auntie and uncle. We’d usually go somewhere different each year but after my dad died we stopped doing that and then my brother and me started forming our own lives and our last holiday with them was Florida 2010. Growing up she was the cool Auntie (still is). All of her nephews and nieces wanted to be with Auntie D. At family gatherings I find it hard to get some alone time with her as the whole family just want to be around her. She’s an amazing woman! Beautiful inside and out and she is by far the strongest lady I know. She’s the lady I turn to when things go wrong. She’s always there when I need a moan or a cry. No matter what, she is always putting others before herself.

Last night we all went for a meal at Albert’s. Me, my mum and my brother arrived there first and we were told our table for being prepared so we could go and wait at the bar. So we got some drinks and waited at one of the bar tables. I had been dying for a wee since we got in the car, but I thought I’d wait till we got seated then I knew where we were. My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see long distance. People and objects just become blurry or fuzzy. After a few minutes my Auntie and Uncle arrived and I was bursting for the toilet. So off I went. As I was wearing a jumpsuit, it took me ages to get it undone, wee and then fasten it back up again but I managed, and I went back downstairs to our bar table and no one was there. I went into panic mode. I couldn’t see a thing, couldn’t see where they had gone and I felt like everyone was staring at me. I was scared. My hands started to shake, I could feel my body temperature rising very quickly so I took myself to the bar and ordered a drink. As I was waiting for my drink I rang my mum…no answer. Rang my Auntie…no answer. Text my mum 3 times and didn’t get a reply. I was getting more and more panicky by the minute. I got my glass of wine and remembered I have no money. Haven’t checked my bank account for weeks (because I’m that poor) so I started getting worried in case my card got declined. Thankfully it didn’t but then I was left stood at the bar on my own. I very nearly went back to the toilets to hide until someone either rang me back or came to find me. I decided to ring my brother. As far as I’m aware he doesn’t really know much about my anxiety. We very much live separate lives and are very different people. I rang him, he answered and started laughing then came and got me. By this point I was almost in full blown panic mode. I sat down and almost burst into tears. I couldn’t talk or joke about the situation because I would have cried. I kept my head down and looked at the menu. Everyone else had decided what they were eating so my anxiety put even more pressure on me to decide. It took me a while to get my breathe back and to cool down. I was on edge for the rest of the night. I still enjoyed the evening, but my anxiety stayed around and I was on red alert for any dangers or potential threats.

As side from the anxiety episode the food was delicious but some remarks were still made about my food choice. I used to be a very fussy eater and it’s an old personality that people can’t let go (you can read about it here). Urm hello!!! People change! We mature, we grow up. I’m not 10 years old anymore. So…I had the rabbit gnocchi for a starter. I’ve never had rabbit before so I was looking forward to it and wow. It was amazing! Its a slow braised rabbit in a pancetta, white wine and mushroom cream sauce with fresh buttered gnocchi. If you ever go to Albert’s, I’d recommend it! My main was steak. Can’t beat a steak. 8 oz sirloin, medium rare with sweet potato fries, salad and a red wine, mushroom and pancetta gravy! I must say the sweet potato fries were the best sweet potato fries I’ve ever tasted and they went perfectly with the steak and gravy! After our mains we were all pretty full. My best friend L has been to Albert’s before and recommended the desserts. So…I was the only one who had dessert. Everyone else was too full and I was comfortably full (I’d pretty much starved myself all day in preparation for this meal) so I thought fuck it! I’m not dieting, I won’t be back to Albert’s because i’m moving to Australia and I fancied something sweet. So I had the chocolate volcano. Warm chocolate sponge with a gooey chocolate fondant centre served with honeycomb ice cream, ooh it was good!

I’ve got my family party later on this afternoon for my move to Australia in a few weeks (2 weeks and 6 days). I hate being centre of attention so I’m hoping my anxiety won’t be a dick. The party is at our home so I’ll have my bedroom to escape to if needs be.
My anxiety is something I still have arguments with. Whether I’ll ever be able to completely get rid of it, I don’t know, but it’s no where near as bad as what it was earlier this year. Anxiety takes time to conquer. It’s something that will creep up on you for no reason. It’s something I don’t feel others understand. They don’t under how much panic and fear anxiety can bring. They don’t understand what it can physically do to our bodies. I feel anxiety is starting to become more recognised as a mental illness rather than a trend. Anxiety needs to be taken more seriously. Living in a world like we do and suffering from anxiety, life can be over 10 times as difficult as it should. It’s shit. It really is shit. I’m currently lay in bed and typing that paragraph before was making me feel anxious. I could feel my heart beating faster and my body getting warmer. That’s how easy it is for anxiety to kick in. It doesn’t take much.

If you suffer from anxiety I feel for you. I really do. It can make this world feel even more lonely but you’re not alone. You’re never alone. There will always be someone out there who will listen. Even if it’s a dog or cat. They will listen. They might not be able to say anything back but they will listen. If all else fails, I’m here.

Sending all my love to you,

Emma xo

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