I’m not great at explaining things so you might have to bear with me on this one…I’ve never truly known who I am or what my purpose in life was. For the past 10 years I’ve been fighting a mental battle with myself. A battle that I surrendered to at first but the fight never really ended. I’ve always gone against my intuition but my intuition has near enough always been spot on. For many years I’ve felt like I had more than one version of me. There would be the family version of me. The friend version of me would be different depending on who I was with. The girlfriend version of me, the depressed version of me and the real me. The real me is someone nobody else saw. I’ve never really felt like I can be 100% myself around others. I’ve always been paranoid about being too depressed around friends and I was too scared to show my true colours to anyone in case I was judged. I was in a constant argument with myself everyday. I believe my intuition was/is my soul, the real Emma talking to me all this time. Telling me to stay positive and to keep going.
Because I had so many different versions of me, I’ve never been that good at making decisions. Sometimes my opinions vary and I’ve been left feeling like a hypocrite most of the time. My true self is positive and I’ve always tried my hardest to remain positive even during my darkest times, but when depressed Emma takes over I turn very negative. I’ve never really been vocal about my mental battles and as I never showed my true colours around others, I think I managed to convice my friends/family that I was naturally a negative person but deep down I wasn’t and I could sometimes tell when depressed Emma took over me. My views on life and my future would change and everything became kinda dark. After my dads death I started off with PTSD which then led to my depression. With PTSD it can kick in anytime any place without any warning signs. It sometimes felt like you had been kidnapped. Someone has jumped out on you and stuck a black bag over your head. You’re filled with confusion, panic and darkness but there isn’t much you can do about it till you’re released. I just had to wait for it all to pass over. I’d usually nap if I could because it was so exhausting. The more I stayed around others, the longer it took to go away. I was so paranoid about what others might say/think if they knew I was still going through this mental torture. I was scared in case they thought ‘Oh she should be over it by now’ or ‘She’s just doing this for attention’. I lost my dad when I was 12 years old and was still suffering for many years afterwards. I was suffering when all my friends were enjoying their teenage years and they didn’t have a care in the world. I still enjoyed my teenage years, but I didn’t half fuck them up sometimes with poor choices. Depressed Emma + Vodka = Drunk Depressed Emma and that’s not something anyone wants to be around.
I’ve always been scared of getting judged. I never judge others as I would hate it if someone judged me, so my personality and opinions altered depending on who I was with. This would normally be when my intuition speaks to me. I knew deep down that I didn’t agree with my friends or family but I found it a lot easier to go along with it and agree with them, then to explain why I disagree which could then lead to me being judged (my life was exhausting back then…). There were moments when my true self showed herself during my darkest times. She spoke her mind, voiced her opinions but was soon shoved to the back by depressed Emma but those moments gave me hope. I knew that there was a positive and happy Emma in there. I just didn’t know how to get her out.
Counselling was something that I had never really been up for but I found it a lot easier to be open and honest with a stranger than my friends and family. I knew that in that one hour session I had her undivided attention. She would listen to every word I said and would never ever judge me. She never gave me sympathy when I cried or told me ‘It’s gonna be okay’. Counselling was everything I needed. It helped me understand my mental battles and taught me how to conquer them. Since I finished my counselling I am now able to finally get to know the true me. It’s been strange at times as I have been so used to having a negative out look on life. I’m not scared of judgement and I’m not afraid to voice my own opinions. I’m no longer scared to be me. I still have my down days where I might feel more insecure or slightly more hypocritical but they no longer last weeks or months. I now have more days being true to me and listening to my intuition guide me on the right path.
If you are fighting a mental battle, don’t lose sight of who you truly are. Mental illness does not change your soul and do not let it convince you otherwise. If you also have days where you feel hypocritical, that’s fine! I do to. If you have recovered but still have those down days, that’s also fine. Just don’t let it take you a stray.
Focus on what makes you happy and keep going.
Sending all my love to you,