Since I’ve been on the road to recovery from my mental illnesses, I’ve been noticing changes in myself. Not so much changes in my appearance or emotions but changes in my personality and my thoughts, opinions and views.
- Reality TV used to be one of my guilty pleasures. The Real Housewives and TOWIE mostly (never ever Love Island. Can’t stand that shit). I remember a few months ago there was a new series of both TOWIE and RHWC which I have watched pretty much since season 1. I was probably just under half way through the new season and I was getting bored with the episodes but it was part of my routine. It’s something I’ve watched for many years. One evening, I was mid way through an episode of TOWIE and I just said “Fuck off” and switched it off. Never watched reality TV since. I can’t stand it now. I find it petty, fake and it annoys me so much. It was something I used to always watch, almost religiously and now I hate it all.
- I still have my old phone from about 4 years ago and I normally use it when I smash the screen of my current phone (which is more often than you might think). I’m always listening to music. Probably 80% of my days are spent listening to music. A few months ago I needed to use my old phone and it struck me how many sad songs I have on that phone! Bloody hell, you can tell I was majorly depressed back then. Let’s face it, we’re all guilty or have been guilty of playing emotional songs to make us even more emotional. I used to always do it. I struggled to release my emotions, so sometimes I’d stick a sad song on and I was able to cry but comparing how many sad songs are on my old phone to my current phone is astonishing! A lot has changed since then!
- My friendship circle has shrunk dramatically but I am so, so happy it has. Since I started putting myself first, naturally the ones who used to take advantage of me stopped bothering. That was the first part of my friendship clear out. After that I had a clear out of my Facebook friends and after that I drifted myself away from fake friends. As harsh as it might seem/feel, I do not regret it. My life is less stressful and I am truly surrounded by the friends who have always stuck by me and have supported me during my darkest times.
- Alcohol. I used to love alcohol. I was a massive piss head. Pissed every weekend but now, I’ve had one night out this year. Going out doesn’t interest me anymore. You wake up the next morning with a horrible hangover sprinkled with some regret and it’s just a waste of money. I just can’t be arsed with it anymore. Me barely drinking anymore is something others either can’t understand or can’t accept and it winds me up, but it’s their problem. I started drinking at 13 and I stopped at 22. My previous party friends I separated myself from because I knew alcohol would not have helped me and I was bored with it. I was wasting my money and I was getting no benefits from it. It was destroying my physical and mental health even more. I was doing that to myself. Last year was my hardest year but I wasn’t helping myself by going out almost every weekend. As soon as 2018 started I quit drinking and partying and it was clear to me which friends were there for me and which friends were only there when the weekend arrived.
- I was someone who hated being on my own. I’d be so bored, but now I love it. I’d rather be on my own, in my own space and doing my own thing. Since I reconnected with my mind, body and soul I’ve started to really appreciate myself. I’ve learnt more about myself in the past 4 months than what I have learnt over the past 22 years. It’s crazy how much you hear when you focus on yourself. Me time is something I fit in every day and on days where I might be feeling anti-social, I’ll have a me day. I’ll admit I do have some moments where I get fed up of myself and I need to direct my attention onto someone else but those days are happening less and less.
- Letting go was something I couldn’t do. I hadn’t been able to let go since the day my dad died. It was never a possibility for me. I would try, but it would always stay on repeat in my head. However this year I’ve found myself not really giving a shit about what happens. I’ve had a couple of cries about situations that I have no control over, but that’s the thing. I have no control over some situations so what’s the point in keeping hold of it? Let that shit go!
2018 has been my best year so far. I honestly can’t put into words how much of an improvement my mental health has made. I still have my down moments of course but not as often as what I used to. Since I finished my counselling in April, I’ve begun to notice changes in myself. Change was something that used to scare me. I couldn’t cope with change but now, change excites me. It’s exciting to see how much has changed and it’s even more exciting to look forward to my future! I no longer see my future as being dark and lonely. When I picture my future now I feel happiness, warmth and love.
Life because beautiful when you stop giving a shit.
Love you all lots,