Conquering My Fear Of Loneliness

I’ve been single now for a fair few years. Looking back, my previous relationship was pretty much a train wreck. After I broke up with him (This was probably our 3rd break up) I knew that I wasn’t ever getting back into a relationship with him again. I was well and truly done with all the shit.

I was someone who used to be scared of being on her own. It was terrifying. Sometimes I’d picture my future and I’d be alone. I’d die alone. It was one of my biggest fears. So when I became single again I loved and hated it. I loved not being in a manipulative and controlling relationship. I loved feeling free but I hated being on my own. The thing is, when you leave a controlling relationship you kinda feel lost. Like you’re a puppet just dangling there with no one to control you. You question yourself. You question what you say, do, wear or eat and you worry in case you don’t do something correctly. Sometimes, you just wish for another puppet master to come along so they can tell you what to do. Me and my counsellor discussed my fear and we both came to the conclusion that it was developed by this boyfriend saying certain things to me. He would say things like “No one else will love you like I do” or “You won’t find anyone else who will care for you like I will” and all that crap. Over time it created this fear in my head that if I wasn’t with him, I would end up alone because no one else would love me. No one else would understand me. At the time my head was pretty fucked up. I knew I had a few mental illnesses but I wasn’t accepting them and dealing with them. All the negatives from that relationship built up over the course of about 3 years till I ended it. Then first few months I was single I went crazy. I well and truly got everything out of my system that had been built up. I don’t regret any of it though. It was possibly the most fun time of my life. Granted I was reckless, careless and probably did more harm to my body than good, but I don’t regret it. Looking back I feel like I needed it. I needed to let loose. I needed and wanted to make the most of my party years. Back then I was a massive party girl. It was part of my personality, but my ex hated me going out. Especially if I wasn’t with him. I suppose it’s understandable because there was no trust there. I don’t think there ever was to be honest. So when I broke up with him it was like I had so many parties and nights out that I needed to catch up on because I felt like I missed so many. I’d say this lasted a good year or so but I did reach a point where I hated being single. Most of my friends were in relationships and part of me wanted that just so I could feel loved, but part of me knew that I really, really didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be controlled again. I went out on a few dates but nothing ever came of them. Honestly, I think I went on the dates to stop myself from feeling lonely but deep down it wasn’t what I wanted.

Social media wasn’t helping me either. It was full of single girl memes, couples on vacations and cringey anniversary posts. It made me feel guilty for being single. It made me feel like I have a clock ticking (which I suppose I kinda do) and once the time ran out that was it. I was going to be alone forever. Social media made me feel like being single is a bad thing. It’s something that you need to feel embarrassed about. Fuck off! Being single was the best therapy I could have given myself. I got out of a toxic relationship and I recovered on my own. I made myself more confident, happier and one hell of a lot stronger. It made me realise what I want from life. I don’t want a relationship. I’m 22, there’s plenty of time for that crap. I want to see the world. I want to make the most of my younger years whilst I can. Having spent the last 10 years of my life fighting against mental illness and putting others first I feel this is the least I can do for myself. For the first time ever I am happy single. I’m not on my own. I have family and the most amazing best friends anyone could ask for. I am now surrounded by people who make a positive impact on my life and it’s going to take one hell of a man to change that.

I’ve only really started to appreciate single life in the past 12 months. I literally don’t need a male in my life. I can’t quite word how I feel but lets say you’re out for a meal. You’ve just finished your main course and you’re full. The waiter comes up to your table and asks if you want dessert. Now normally you’d want dessert, but you know if you have dessert you’re gonna get bloated and fall into a food coma and you can’t be bothered with that tonight. So you refuse dessert. That feeling right there! When you refuse dessert for your own body and health. A feeling of achievement. It’s like confirmation that you really are a changed human being! You don’t need a dessert. You’re satisfied, comfortable and full without a dessert. I am satisfied, comfortable and my life is full and complete without a boyfriend! Honestly, I thought I would never feel like this.

I feel in todays society we get a lot of pressure put on us to have a partner. There’s so many dating apps and websites that encourage us to ‘meet other singles’ and they word their advertisements in a way that makes us feel like we’re worthless being single. It’s wrong. If you’re happy single, please be happy! We need to stop feeling like we need to fit in. There is no where to fit into to! We have created these hierarchies, societies and social rankings ourselves. Be your own person. Stand out of the crowd. Stop listening to societies rules and make your own happiness. Get out of the toxic relationship/friendship and put yourself first for once.

Live your own god damn life and make the most of it.

Sending positivity, light and love to you all,

Emma xo

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