My mind hasn’t been in the best head space this week. I’ve wanted to write and had so many subjects to write about but my mind hasn’t been up for it, however my fat day yesterday is something I just have to share with you!
I mean just look at all that!! Cookie dough milkshake with two actual chocolate chip cookies and a warm chocolate brownie! Oh god it was amazing! Black Milk is a small café in Manchester which makes the most amazing desserts, milkshakes and even cereal cocktails! We’re currently in the middle of a heat wave here in the UK so Black Milk was the perfect place to go!
Normally after a fat day me and Z like to go for a bit of a walk to ease our bellies. It could be a walk back to our cars, Tesco or to another food place. Yesterday we decided to go and play pool afterwards. I am absolutely shocking at pool. Truly terrible so obviously Z wanted to witness my atrocious pool skills. Yesterday my anxiety was trying to take control of me. I managed to keep it under control whilst we were at Black Milk, however once we started to play pool my anxiety did get the better of me. It all comes back to paranoia and the male gender (Sorry guys! Please don’t take it personally). I’ve spoken about how my anxiety and paranoia effected my ability to go to a gym (Anxiety VS Gym) but my anxiety can get pretty bad in more public places also. So we arrived at the pool hall and there’s over 10 pool tables in the place and we get one in the corner (which seemed perfect for me). After a while I notice a few other people on the other tables looking over to me and Z which kick started my paranoia. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I wasn’t 100% if they were actually looking directly at me but my paranoia didn’t care about that. After about 5 minutes my head was going crazy with paranoid thoughts and I was starting to get hot. Very hot. My anxiety causes my heart to race and my body temperature to soar. I’m naturally a warm person and being caught in the middle of a heat wave in a stuffy pool hall caused me to sweat. But when I’m borderline having a panic attack, it’s just my face that sweats. Still not 100% sure why, but yeah it’s not the most attractive trait to have! So when we finished our first game (which by the way I won) I sat down and I just let the sweat drip down my face. I needed to compose myself and there only way I could do that was to accept I was panicking slightly, focus on my breathing and take my mind off what was causing me to panic. Z sat down with me and could see I was struggling, so we packed up our stuff and left the pool hall. As soon as we got outside I took a deep breath and felt my chest open up.
It’s been a while since my anxiety took over that much, so I was still a bit shaken when we left the pool hall. If I didn’t hate crying in front of people so much, I would definitely had cried that evening. Z suggested we walk to Archies to get a milkshake, so we went on a evening stroll through Manchester and it was just what I needed. Evening strolls are a guilty pleasure for me, especially in summer. There’s just something calming I find about them. We arrived at Archies and I could feel my anxiety creeping up on me again but thankfully we were in there long. Once we got our milkshakes (Z got the Million Dollar and I got the Fruitopia) we began to walk back to our cars. At the end of the day me and Z walked over 16,000 steps each which made me feel better about eating so much chocolate. When I arrived home I managed to do a few exercises before I got into bed (don’t ask me how). I crawled into bed and instantly fell into a food coma. I was out like a light.
Yesterday was an amazing day. It’s made me realise that my anxiety will sometimes creep up on me, but I’ve proved to myself that I am able to regain control over it. My little panic yesterday has made me look back at how far I’ve come. I think whilst I am still finding my way in life, I’m gonna have little panicky moments, but they are not gonna be as bad as what they once were and they won’t happen as often as they once did.
My journey so far has helped me understand my mind, body and soul. Now with that understanding I finally feel connected to myself and whatever challenges I’m going to be faced with in the future, I have faith in myself that I will be able to cope with them.
You’ve just got to listen to what your body tells you.
Oh and treat yourself to a fat day! You deserve it!
Love you all lots,