So I’m off to Cape Verde in the early hours of tomorrow morning with my mum. It’s a holiday she booked as a ‘mother daughter’ week away before I leave for Australia in August. I am quite excited for it as neither of us have been before and the hotel we are booked in is classed as a ‘platinum hotel’ which I’m guessing it means its quite fancy. I think what I’m looking forward to the most is getting away from my home town for a week. The place I grew up I’ve now out grown and I borderline hate it here. I think moving away at 16 and living away till I was 21 boosted my independence and when I moved back home nothing was the same. It was frustrating for me but I couldn’t afford to do anything about it.
Then I started my counselling and I came to terms with my past and the people that impacted it but once I finished my counselling it became more and more frustrating to be here. There were days where the frustration would lead to anger. I felt stuck here and I’ll admit I still do. Finishing my counselling helped me close those doors but with me still being here it’s hard to keep those doors shut and locked when I’m constantly filled with reminders of the past. I know I need this move to really move on from everything its just hard having to wait for it when it feels like I’m being tested every day to see if I break. I know once I move to Australia there is no chance of me coming back. Whether I stay in Australia, I don’t know but I don’t want to return here. There is nothing for me here any more. I don’t fit in, I see no future and not gonna lie, I can’t stand 90% of the people here. I was at my uncles last month and we were discussing Australia and I saw his face drop when I said I’m not returning. It hurt, of course and I’ve got a family leaving party in July which I am both looking forward to and dreading. I know for me it will be either the last time I see them or it will be a long time till I next see them, but I get the feeling they don’t quite understand or realise that. Growing up where I have, the people here are very much stuck in their routines. Even telling other people that I am MOVING away they don’t understand that because nobody does anything like this in this area! There are so many young parents its become the norm. Robberies, stabbings and some awful things have happened close to home, I just don’t want to be a part of it any more. I just don’t fit in! Even speaking to old friends we are just completely different now. I just want to break away from all that. My inner self is screaming to me every day.
Trying to live in the moment isn’t the easiest task for me. Having suffered from PTSD for years I was either reliving my past or dreading the future but for my last couple of months here I am trying to make every day count. As much as I am looking forward to this holiday with my mum I know there are gonna be some emotional moments. I know this because whenever I express my excitement for moving to Australia, she cries, but I know she wants this for me as much as I do. I know that we’ll be able to Facetime (if she can work it…) and come January next year she’ll be out in Australia with me for a few weeks to travel around in a camper van!
Its a challenge for me to both be here and to live in the moment, but I also don’t want to move to Australia, look back and think “Fuck, I wish I didn’t spend my last few months being frustrated”. I want to make everyday count, even if its just being downstairs with my mum and brother, or just being in my own bedroom. My home town will forever hold a piece of my heart. I do have some amazing memories here and it is where I grew up after all but I know I need to move on for my own health. I said at the start of 2018 that this was gonna be my year. My year to put myself first and to make myself happy and that’s what I’m gonna do. I know my first couple of months away will be difficult, but it’s a challenge I am excited and ready for.
So I’d like to thank you guys for listening to me whilst I have a bit of a rant and I will try my best to keep you posted on how my holiday with my mum is going!
Love you all so much,