In the past I used to always seek approval from others. I was always trying to fit in even if it meant doing or saying something that wasn’t part of my nature but in the past few months I’ve started to become my own person. I’ve started to realise that materialistic things don’t matter. Last year and many years before that, I was one of those girls that always had acrylic nails on, wore make up pretty much everyday, hair was washed every morning and I had to regularly buy new clothes just because. I’ve never really been one to follow fashion trends. Mostly in high school I tried to convince my mum to buy me whatever clothing or accessories all the girls were wearing just so I could try to fit in. When it comes to my fashion sense now I never follow any trends. I wear what I want, when I want and how I want but I’ll admit it can be hard for me to be me in public. Some days I don’t have the balls to go make-up free or I might not feel comfortable being bold, but those days are becoming less and less frequent. I like to be my own person. I don’t like being a sheep. Deep down I think I’ve always been the black sheep, but it’s only recently I’ve learnt how to embrace that and how it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to be your own person!
My insecurities about myself and my paranoia about what others thought of me took over my life. I would never ever leave the house without make up on. Even if I just needed to pop to the corner shop or wanted to walk my dog I had to make sure I had at least some make up on and my hair wasn’t greasy otherwise I would not dare to leave the house. It’s ridiculous looking back now. I don’t know how I lived like that but I was so scared of what other people might think of me. I basically neglected myself and my body just to try to create this image that I always looked ‘clean’ or ‘well kept’. There were times when my insecurities were so bad that I despised being naked. Going for a shower or a bath was painful because I hated my body that much. I wanted everybody else to see me as being confident and I tried to make it seem like I had my shit together when in reality I was lower than low and my life was spiralling out of control all because I had ignored who I truly was. I ignored my true self because my mind created so many negative thoughts and images about myself which I believed and I believed others would think the same. Granted, some people proved me right but the majority tried to convince me otherwise.
During my counselling I realised that my insecurities mostly stem from past relationships, traumas and growing up in the society we do today. It’s taken a lot of hard work to change my perspective of myself but I am getting there. I’m able to leave the house without make up on. Okay I don’t always leave the house without wearing make up but it’s not as much of an issue for me now. I’ve basically stopped giving a shit about my hair. If I’m not going anywhere nice/fancy I’m not washing my hair. I absolutely love, love, love being naked now! I’m probably naked a good 80% of the day now. After all we weren’t born with clothes on! Be free!! Just being in your bare skin and walking around the house (only when I’m home alone of course…) can give you such a confidence boost! I’ll be the first to admit that loving the body you are in is one of the hardest challenges you’ll probably ever face. Learning to accept yourself without everybody else is hard. To be honest I’m not 100% sure how I’ve done it. I think I had an epiphany and I just stopped giving a shit about what others thought afterwards. I still have the odd day where I get a little paranoid out in public, but the feeling goes after a few minutes. I’ve realised that at the end of the day, materialistic things don’t matter. I used to be surrounded by people who had to have the best and most expensive products. So I tried to do the same but in reality I couldn’t afford it and deep down that wasn’t who I was. I soon realised I didn’t want to be around these types of people anymore. I wanted to be around people who want to live life. People who don’t care how much your clothes were or what brand they are. People who don’t care about what car you drive, what make up you wear or what job you have. So I cut the toxic and crap out. I’m now left with a very, very small friendship circle but fuck me, I would not change it for the world. I’m now surrounded by people who I trust and who love me for me and that makes me extremely lucky.
I hope you all have an amazing weekend,
Love you all lots,