I’ve always been insecure for as long as I can remember. It’s something that I just got used to. One of my main insecurities were about my thighs and legs.
When I was in Primary school I used to always wear a skirt all year round, then one day I decided I wanted a pair of school trousers. My mum reluctantly agreed and said they would just be for winter. So I got my trousers and I liked wearing them! I remember first walking into school and everybody was shocked at the fact that I was wearing trousers because all I had ever worn were skirts. The first few days made me feel slightly awkward as my class mates were being a bit dramatic at my new trousers, but I loved them! I started to wear them more than my skirts.
When it came for me to leave Primary school and go onto high school I got a pair of trousers and didn’t bother getting a skirt. Trousers felt more natural for me. I wasn’t much of a girly girly and I felt more comfortable in trousers.
A couple of years into high school and I had worn a skirt once. Always trousers. I remember in PE we’d all get changed and meet up outside usually. At this time I cared deeply about what others thought of me. I remember, the whole class was waiting outside chatting and there would be the odd girls (group of bitches) that would comment on others. These comments would be about how she looks, how she is as a person etc and it created paranoia in my head about how I looked. Did they say anything like that about me?
Every now and again we’d have a PE class with the boys. I found it easier to get along with boys than girls so most of the time I sat with the boys. Which then helped some other girls create a fake persona of me being a ‘slag’ but I’ll get into that another time. Some of the boys (not all) would comment on the girls physical appearance. Her weight, chest size and as we had to wear shorts for PE they’d comment on a girls leg and thigh size. I didn’t even realise this was something you could negatively comment on but I remember some girls being told they have ‘thunder thighs’ or ‘tree trunks’. Some comments could be about the girls skin tone. Now I’m quite a pale person. The sunshine sometimes reflects off my legs they are that pale. The comments stuck with me. It created so much negativity in my head about myself that I became very insecure about my legs and thighs. From Year 7 to about Year 10 I never wore shorts out of school and I never ever wore a skirt. It was partly because of the paranoia that was created in my head and the thought of how people would react if I wore a skirt to school, as all they’d really seen me wear were trousers. I went to a wedding in Dubai and wore trousers…in Dubai but that was because I was so insecure. I remember whenever I used to go shopping with my mum, she’d point out some nice shorts, dress or skirt and say “This would look nice on you” and I’d hold back the tears because I hated imagining myself wearing that. Even if I tried them on, there would not be one part of me that thought I looked alright and I would not have 1 ounce of confidence in myself so I used to sometimes cry in the changing rooms. It was the middle of summer and my mum was dropping me off at my friend’s house. I was wearing jeans and boots and we passed some girls who were wearing lovely summer skirts and shorts. My mum turned to me and said “Would you not wear something like that? Just in summer” I ignored her. I couldn’t even reply because I was starting to well up. It wasn’t so much about me hating having insecurities, it was more about me hating myself. I just couldn’t see anything good about me. I just wanted to keep my body covered at all times. I didn’t want to receive any negative comments from others.
When Year 11 came I decided I couldn’t keep wearing trousers/jeans all the time. I remember sitting on the stairs in my house and saying to mum “I want to wear more skirts, dresses and shorts” and you could see the shock on her face! We both went shopping and we picked out some summer clothes for me to try on. I went in the changing rooms and tried on the first pair of shorts, looked in the mirror and hated everything I saw. I tried on everything else and felt the exact same. So I stayed in there crying for a bit until I told myself I couldn’t carrying on wearing jeans in summer. So I picked a pair of shorts and told mum I really liked them on me. So I went home with these new shorts that I hated wearing. When the weekend arrived, I went to meet up with my friends who were all wearing shorts. I had to give myself to biggest pep talk ever but I wore the shorts…with skin coloured tights but still! At first it was weird. I wasn’t used to this. But after a while I got used to them and I enjoyed wearing them!
For years afterwards I was still very insecure about my legs, especially my thighs. I saw my thighs as being huge chunks of fat covered in stretch marks and cellulite that wobble every time I move. This year I learned how to love myself. I do still have my insecure moments but nothing like how I used to be. I see my thighs as thighs now, because that’s what they are!! Everybody is built differently, nobody looks the same. I learnt how to embrace my body and appreciate it. My thighs are strong (thank you horse riding!), beautiful and I can’t see anything negative about them. You have to live with the body you are in, whether you like it or not. You can either be negative about it or embrace it! Embrace the fact that you are unique! There is nobody else on this entire planet like you. Own it. Work it. Show off what you have got!
Don’t spend the majority of your life putting yourself down. Love yourself and take care of yourself.
Love you all lots,