Some of you may know that I am moving away from Manchester and I’m off down under! My flights are booked, insurance is sorted and I am extremely excited! Of course, I do have some worries. Worries that I struggle to physically speak about.
Barney is my dog and Bubbles is my loan pony. I can’t physically speak about leaving my boys. It’s too hard. It’s a lot easier to leave people. They know what you’re doing. They know why you’re going, but pets, they don’t even know what Australia is. One day I’ll see them, knowing it’s my last day with them but they won’t have a clue and that’s hard to swallow for me. Bubbles I’ve loaned for almost a year now and he’s been there for me through everything that has happened in the past year. He gave me a purpose to get out of bed and to keep going. Without him I don’t think I’d have the courage to go to Australia. Barney…well, I don’t even know where to start with him. My best friend for 10 years. He is someone who is so precious to me, it causes me pain knowing that come the 3rd August I’ll be leaving him behind. Now I know that they will both be looked after. Bubbles will be going back to his owner who loves and adores him. Barney will be staying with my mum. I know that they will both be safe and loved, but it doesn’t really help this feeling of guilt I get when I think about leaving them and I don’t know how to deal with that. Maybe once I’m out there the feeling of guilt will get washed away…I hope.
- My Mum.
My mum. My rock. The lady who has always stood by me through thick and thin. The lady who has gotten me to where I am today. I am worried about leaving her. In the past few years we’ve grown really close. She is my best friend despite how much she annoys me. Whenever we discuss Australia she starts to cry which is upsetting to see because I cannot wait to leave and get away from this place. We went out in Manchester over the weekend and we had a really good talk. She’s gonna look at coming out to Oz in January and we’re gonna rent a camper van to travel in! She’s looking at staying over for 3 weeks which will be lovely. Exploring Oz together, but it means I’ll have to say goodbye to her again, not knowing when I’ll next see her. I’m not looking forward to that. I know she is a big girl and she can look after herself, but she’s still a mum, and her daughter is flying the nest and flying to the other side of the world. I know I’ll be able to message her easy peasy, but it’s not quite the same is it.
So I finished my counselling and meds about a month ago and I am feeling pretty confident in myself, however I do still have my moments sometimes where I dread not knowing what the future holds. I do still have some ‘what ifs’ going round in my head that do play on my mind. When I go out there I’ll be working on a yard for my first 6 months. The yard is basically in the middle of nowhere. Apparently the closest ‘town’ is a 40 minute drive away. I’ve worked in rural places before, but that was here. In the UK. Australia is completely different. I won’t have any family members over there or Barney to help me. It does make me panic slightly. As it is just over a month since I finished my counselling and tablets, I’m hoping come August I’ll be more confident than ever and this worry in my head will be non-existent and all the what ifs will be gone.
My money struggles have been extreme over the past year. I’ve gotten through it all by the skin of my teeth. I know I’ll be working when I first go out there and the yard is in the middle of nowhere so I’m hoping I’ll be able to save up plenty before I go off and travel. Again, there’s still some what ifs that go round my head. My mum and auntie have helped me a lot with money. I’m not sure if I will be able to pay them back or not. I’m hoping and praying I will be able to. I’m hoping this time next year my life will be completely different, in a positive way. Money is a big factor in pretty much everybody’s life. As sad as it is, we struggle to survive without money, which is stupid because it’s not like our bodies need money to work and function! I’m hoping once I leave and start working again, my money issues will be a thing of the past…hopefully.
- New People.
One of my good friends from college got me the job at the yard in Australia. He works there himself and has lived in Oz for about 4 years now. He’s coming home to Manchester in July to see his family for the first time in 2 years! Then we’re flying out together in August. He also got another friend from college a job out there too. So I will know at least 2 people there, it’s the getting to know everybody else that terrifies me. Depending on how I’m feeling, depends on how I react to meeting new people. It can either go really well and I’ll be chatty and friendly or I’ll lock myself in my shell, barely talking to anybody, purely because my anxiety has gotten the better of me. What also scares me, is the people who I’ll be working for and working with don’t know anything about me. They won’t know why I can be awkward or quiet. They won’t know if I’m having a panic attack or not. It’s scary! I know it’s probably more me creating unrealistic situations in my head and I am working on that, but it’s not always quite as simple. Come August I’m hoping all this worry will be a thing of the past. All this anxiety and worry will be gone and I’ll be confident in myself. I’m hoping I’ll be able to finally be myself around other people and I won’t have to worry about being judged and I would have stopped creating paranoid thoughts in my head.
I’ve still got a couple of months to go till I leave and I have a lot planned with friends, family and my boys in that time. A lot can change in a couple of months. Me and my mum are off to Cape Verde in a couple of weeks. Me and Z have lots of plans for our fat days and I’m gonna make the most of the time I have with my boys.
Come August I’ll hopefully be confident in my body and I’ll know who I truly am. All of this worry and doubt will be a thing of the past and I’ll be living in the moment.
We’ll just have to wait and see!
Love you all lots,