Good Afternoon to you all. I hope you are all well! So it’s Tuesday, which means its #transformationtuesday all over social media. As I don’t quite have the balls to post anything like that on my social media accounts yet, I thought I would try it out on here first.
The picture below was from February 2015.
Back when this was taken, I was probably a size 8/10. I was fairly happy with my body, but I was still majorly insecure. I hated sitting down and feeling my belly rolls. I hated how ‘wide’ my hips were and don’t even get me started on my thighs! I hated my thighs for many years. I wasn’t really healthy when this was taken either. I was eating crap but I kinda got away with it because my job at the time was working on a show jumping yard that required a lot of physical work. I’d wake up and have a chocolate yogurt for breakfast. Then snack on some biscuits till dinner time. Dinner was normally either a chip butty or pasta. Then more snacks. Tea time was pretty much always pasta (Carbs were my life). There wasn’t much variety in my diet. I drank milk, pop or vodka. At the time I was probably 19 years old. I was a teenager living 2.5 hours away from my mum. Looking back, I think any 19 year old would have a similar diet.
These two pictures were taken in February 2016. Both pictures were taken a few days apart but after they were taken, I went for a run where I pushed myself beyond my limit to the point where I threw up. At the time I was in a very toxic relationship which effected me in more ways than I realised. I pushed myself to go for a run and when I went I pushed myself till I threw up. I was pushing myself because I didn’t feel like I was good enough for my boyfriend. I was scared in case he left me for someone slimmer or prettier. On the outside I liked to appear confident. Nobody likes to be insecure and have people know it. But deep down, I was insecure. Very insecure. I hated my body. I hated everything about it. I hated how a little part of my belly used to hang over my waistband. At the time, that was my main insecurity. I convinced myself that I was over weight and I believed it! At this point I had moved to Cheshire where I was working on a new yard which provided me with my own little house. My diet was better, but still pretty crap. Breakfast was either a bagel, yogurt or some toast. I’d always make sure I had a packet of biscuits with me on the yard in the morning. My belly would always be rumbling about 2 hours into the working day. My dinner break wasn’t long so I needed something quick (in case I needed a power nap too). My dinner was mostly a variety of different ready meals. They were quick and filling. At the time it was ideal for on my dinner breaks however I can’t bare to eat a ready meal now! When the working day was over, for tea I would normally have either pasta, pizza or a full English. I’d cook it all myself, but still, it’s all crap really but at the time, healthy food really did not appeal to me.
This picture was taken October last year. Here I was a size 14. I was more confident with my body, but I still had my insecurities. I knew I had gone up a few dress sizes. I knew I had more chunk to me. Here I was also riddled with depression, anxiety and PTSD and was going through therapy. During my first few months of counselling, it was difficult. The only things that made me happy were naps, food and alcohol. I was going out pretty much every weekend. Having take aways and napping at any chance I could. This was me at probably my unhealthiest. I wanted to lose some weight. I wanted to be ‘skinny’ but I wasn’t ready to cut the crap out.
I remember the following November, I had finished working through my first trauma with my counsellor and I started to feel different. Good different. So I started to make some changes. I gradually cut the crap out of my diet. As soon as 2018 started I stopped going out (I’ve had one night out this year so far!). I cut down on drinking alcohol. I cut out toxic people and left it all in 2017. As my counselling sessions went on, I started to see things differently. I started to see myself differently. I started to love myself. I cared about what I was putting in my body. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing all these fake negativities that I had created, I was appreciating my body. I was learning to love myself and look after myself. My body aim had changed from wanting to lose loads of weight to get ‘skinny’ to wanting to be confident in myself no matter what dress size I was. As I started to clean my lifestyle up I slowly lost some weight and my confidence started to shine through. I still have my insecure moments of course, but when I look at myself I don’t see negatives. I just appreciate and embrace my mind, body and soul.
Looking back its hard to believe I used to think I was over weight. I still don’t understand how I was so negative about myself. It’s a lot easier to say “be positive” or “love yourself”, but sometimes it seems impossible to do those things but it’s not impossible! It is very much possible, you just have to wipe away all the crap and you’ll see the light. Its taken years for me to learn how to love myself and I’m still learning now. It’s not been an easy road. I’ve had to say some hard goodbyes to people who I thought would be in my life forever. After making some hard decisions my life has never been better and I feel like a new person.
I know it may seem difficult. You just have to keep looking forward and keep going.
Love you all so much,