I’ve never been confident. I’ve never had confidence. I’ve always been paranoid about what i say or what i look like. I’ve never loved myself, till now. Today, for the first time in 8 years i wore a swim suit WITH CONFIDENCE! I didn’t need a pep talk beforehand. There were no tears and absolutely no paranoia!
My insecurities stem from my mental issues and past relationships. I used to hate my belly, thighs, arms, facial shape, well pretty much everything about me. I tend to yoyo between UK sizes 10,12 and 14. Whenever i was a size 14 i felt so disgusted with myself, and its upsetting because a size 14 is a healthy size!! Whenever i was a size 10 i still felt disgusting. I couldn’t be happy with my body. I always picked on myself. I would create negative thoughts in my head, but imagine other people were thinking them. I was stuck in my own negative world. There were times where i didn’t have the confidence to walk around my home without make up on, let alone leave the house.
In the past, i’ve been in some very toxic, abusive and manipulative relationships. It’s only looking back now i realise how shitty i was treated. At the time, i was blind to their negativity, but you are when you’re in a relationship like that. They ended up putting their insecurities on me, which then turned into my insecurities. When you are in a relationship with someone like that, it can ruin you without you even realising. It can have a big impact on your physical, emotional and mental health. Then my depression crushed my confidence for years. I used to have moments where i felt so confident with myself, but they were soon ruined by my depression. I’ve only re-gained my confidence this year. Once i got myself in a good place, my confidence grew and grew. My paranoia started to fade as my confidence started to shine through.
I know how hard it is to get out of that black hole, but once you’re out, life is completely different to how you used to think it was! I know you’ve probably heard it all before, but if you are stuck or feel lost, YOU WILL MAKE IT!! You will get there one day, and when you do, you will flourish. You will bloom.
Confidence comes from within. Love yourself. You’re unique. There is literally only one you!! Nobody else like you! Embrace you!! Know your worth and show the world what you are made of! You’ve got this!
I’m always here!
Love you lots
I would also like to wish my mum a Happy Birthday! Thank you for being my rock, idol and photographer x
Even though i was out all day, i still needed my nap.Pleasantly surprised at the afternoon tea. The little cakes were needed.